Closer
by Bairn
Summary: Connie finds herself entrapped after the deaths of her loved ones.
1. Chapter 1

Part One

I awoke at dawn and watched the sun as it began to rise, a beautiful transition of colours emerging across the horizon while the rest of the world still slept. I clasped my hands firmly around my mug of fresh coffee, inhaling the distinctive aroma as I stepped out into the garden, the chilly air seeping through my light dressing gown sending a surge of shivers down my spine. I could hear the birds sing in the surrounding trees and I could see the morning dew drops that lay delicately upon the grass, but no matter how hard I tried to distinguish the beautiful things in life every morning, I could still feel myself being pulled into this dark whirlwind full of sadness. With each new day that arose, the dread reared its ugly head, gradually becoming worse as I reached the point where I didn't even want to get up in the mornings. I used to be strong, fearless bar one thing, losing my control.

I grazed my fingers along the picture of their faces, closing my eyes as I hugged the frame against my chest so just for a second I could imagine that happy scene spring to my mind, untarnished until I open my eyes and realise it isn't real, not anymore. Instead it's plagued with such a raw emotion a wound that I know will never heal by itself. They say it takes time to get over a loss but as the days and months pass by the memories begin to fade and the cut becomes deeper causing even more pain and you begin to wonder how life can be so cruel. Am I bad person? Did I deserve all of this to happen to me?

I ask myself the same questions all the time, the optimism I usually had dwindling away to ashes sending me on a downward spiral. I battled ferociously at the beginning, trying to lose myself in my work, my answer to everything but how can you dive back into that passion when you have nothing left to live for? The world becomes a lonely place when you have no one left who cares. The only people who could turn my world around I had already lost and my apprehension of turning the way my mother did all those years ago became the most frightening thing of all because I knew I had lost all control of life.

Death is the only piece of control I have left.


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

_I opened my eyes and all I could see was this fluffy cotton wool cushioning my feet as I sat upon a swinging bench. Everything surrounding me was white, a light mist dancing in the warm air. I could see this dark shadow as a figure appeared, taking a seat beside me. I turned to see his face clearly, clasping my hands to my mouth in shock but transforming sharply into a smile, the first to tug at my lips since they left my world and went to a better place._

_"Sam? Where am I? Where's Grace? Am I dreaming again? Please tell me this is real?"_  
_"You're in an alternate parallel. Grace is fine, your parents are watching her but we're more concerned about you."_

_I breezed my hand across his face, longing for his skin to touch mine to remind me how he felt. A flood of emotions wave their way to the surface as my tears began to fall and my body began to tremble as I moved my hands closer to him, hovering beside his face, scared to touch him in case this wasn't real. A surge ran through my body that I had never experienced before as his hands met mine. They were warm and delicate, a welcome feeling after all these months of missing him._

_"How can I feel you? Am I dead?"_  
_"No, you're not dead, not yet."_  
_"Not yet?"_  
_"You're unconscious in the real world. This is just half way to heaven, a place you're not ready for."_  
_"What happened to me?"_  
_"You took an overdose. Your body is just in limbo at the moment. This is your chance to fight for your life or the opportunity to start a new one in heaven."_  
_"What's the point in fighting anymore? I took an overdose for a reason surely? Why can't I remember what happened to me?"_  
_"There's always a reason to fight Connie, I'm here to guide you. Everyone becomes a little disorientated when they first arrive but don't worry a moment down there is hours up here. We've got time, all the time in the world."_

___We sat there in silence for a few moments, his hands grasping onto mine reassuringly as I allowed my eyes to close for a second, suddenly filling my head with the familiar pain and fear, recalling my actions that led me along this path. I watched myself take one last look in the mirror, my hand crushing into a fist, unclenching it to release the pills. One by one, I popped them into my mouth swallowing them with each convulsion of suffering I had felt in my life, one memory after another. There was no one left to save me from my darkest hour. I opened my eyes and fell into his arms. All I ever wanted to do._

_"There is no set path, just follow your heart." I opened my eyes, this time with a sparkle and a warmth circulating body. "My mother used to say that to me when I was younger and I always believed in it. At least I did until 7 months ago."_  
_"I want you to tell me what happened."_  
_"You know what happened. I lost my daughter, her father and my life the day you both stepped into that car and drove off without me Sam. You took my heart and my soul away from me. The only love I had left in my life was gone, no one else to care for, to love so what's the point of carrying on?"_  
_"Everything happens for a reason."_  
_"So you tell me the reason behind that."_  
_"I was trying to be optimistic."_  
_"How can something good come out of something so bad? It isn't just misfortune is it? It's punishment for all the stupid mistakes I made in life."_  
_"We all make mistakes Connie. It's part of life."_

___I dropped my gaze from his as the tears fell like raindrops, remembering all the things that happened in my 45 years of life. I was a daughter, a granddaughter, a wife, a lover, a friend but most importantly I was a mother. For someone who always put their career first, I thought I had everything. The money I was never used to whilst growing up, the nice house, the flash car and a blossoming career but what you don't realise is that it all means absolutely nothing. Not even money can buy you happiness._

_"I failed as a daughter."_  
_"What makes you say that?"_  
_"For years my mother was ill and I never noticed. I became a doctor before she died and yet I still couldn't see the truth behind her unhappiness. I blamed my father for all those years and I lost my father the day my mother died."_  
_"He came back into your life though. You knew the truth in the end."_  
_"For all of year and then I lost him again to that horrible disease."_  
_"All they ever wanted for you in life was to be successful and happy."_  
_"But at what cost? I lost them both. I became someone I never thought I could become. I found it hard to trust, to love, to be happy because everything that made me happy in life got taken away from me too soon, my parents, my marriage that believe it or not was once a very happy time but most of all, I lost my baby and I lost you. I didn't even get the chance to tell you what you meant to me. I would tell Grace every single day that I loved her but I never got the chance to put things right between us and tell you the exact same thing."_  
_"I know you love me and you know I love you back, I always have done. We never had to say it Connie, it was written all over our faces from the first day we met. I always will regret the day we ended things but we can't dwell on the past now eh? We made something beautiful and so precious."_  
_"That we did. The proudest moment of my life was when she was brought into this world. I was scared though that she wouldn't pull through, that I'd lose her like I did with everyone else. I distanced myself at the beginning, you thought I was heartless but I blamed myself for having her so early. It was my fault she wasn't born healthy. I ignored the signs my body was giving me to slow down."_  
_"Hey, you did what your instincts told you to do. You saved Lola's life twice."_  
_"But at Grace's expense. I put myself in that position, surgeon before mother and it wasn't the only time."_  
_"You're a good person Connie, a fantastic mother. Grace improved miraculously, she survived."_  
_"I almost let her go though. What kind of mother does that?"_  
_"A mother who cares. You didn't want her to go through a life of pain and suffering. You made a decision based upon the facts that were laid out in front of you."_  
_"But I should have known. I'm a doctor!"_  
_"You weren't a doctor then Connie. You were Grace's mother. There's a huge difference."_

___I paused when his words slipped from his mouth. He was right but no matter what he says, I'll always blame myself for not protecting her. Grace lived past those terrible days, she fought for a place in this world but then I lost her, this time for good. My life became worthless the day she left me. I no longer had anyone to fight for and along the way I lost all sight in a future, alone without any of them._

___"I made so many mistakes in my parenting and the biggest one was not sharing it. She didn't deserve what I put her through and neither did you. I'm so sorry Sam. I genuinely am."_  
_"You don't need to apologise for anything. Love is the greatest apology. Something we'll always have, no matter what happens."_  
_"I did nothing but try and fight my way through this life. I have fought every single day for the past 7 months to pick up the millions of pieces in an attempt to fix my broken heart. I will never love anyone again in that world because all the people I do love are in a different place. I was a surgeon, I fixed hearts every day, I gave people a better quality of life, a new lease but what could I do for my own? Nothing, because it died the day you and Grace did. I'm tired of living. I just want to be with the only people who care. I intended to die so please just let me give up the good fight."_  
_"I can't do that."_  
_"Then who deciphers when I'm ready?"_  
_"Only you can decide. You'll know when you're ready but I have to go, duty calls."_  
_"I love you."_  
_"And I love you too."_

___His hand brushed my cheek lightly, sweeping away the hair that just sat at the corner of my eye. I tingled all over as his lips found mine, placing a sweet but delicate kiss against them and I wished for an eternity filled with little moments like this. Moments of perfection and a love that lasted forever._


End file.
